I RECENTLY GRADUATED WITH MY PHD AND GOT A TENURE-TRACK JOB AT AN R-01 INSTITUTION! (Not in That Order)
Lessons Learned in the Past Few Months (During and Since Earning my PhD)
1) Prioritization of faith is essential. I could not have done this without Jesus, but also need more of Him in my life. When I do not prioritize this, my world collapses.
(1a) Turning to Netflix, Amazon Prime, Amazon itself, Social Media, alcohol or something else when times are tough (such as during COVID) ultimately leave you right where you started. Jesus heals, not Netflix. This should not be a recent lesson considering that I am a somewhat seasoned Christian, but it is. And I have work to do.
2) Earning a PhD and landing a tenure-track job will not lead to any greater acceptance among people who do not like you (or in my case, among my in-laws or estranged family since speaking up about being molested, for example). I'm not sure why I thought this may be the case, but have confirmed that I was mistaken.
3) Earning a PhD does not seem real (at least at first). Perhaps it is COVID, but I suspect this has more to do with academic culture. I do not feel like "Dr." anyone. It is strange to see my name printed this way or to receive emails addressed to "Dr." [Storia di Speranza : )]. I don't feel like an imposter and know I no longer have to defend or finish my dissertation, but I do not feel like a doctor of anything. So how does being a doctor (PhD) feel so far? Like someone who is incredibly thankful, who checked off a lot of "to do" boxes and who has more "to do" boxes to check off.
4) Earning a PhD cannot make you "good enough." I'll admit it-- part of the reason I wanted to earn my PhD was to become a "Dr." someone; it is the highest degree one can pursue (to my best knowledge). Past me wanted to be done with feeling insecure, generally not good enough, feeling like I wore my poverty, poor upbringing, sexual abuse, drug use and GED like a branded badge of dishonor. Past me wanted my father's acceptance and society's acceptance. Who could think I was not good enough if I had a PhD? I do not know if I would know this earlier than the day I successfully defended my dissertation (it may have actually hit me the day after), but I know now that I am good enough. And past me always was too. I didn't need the PhD to be good enough. I wish past me knew that. Current me is nearly 40 years old and spent no less than eight years in graduate school to learn this.
5) Earning a PhD may result in less patience for things you do not want to do. Dr. Me spent nearly her entire time in graduate school working around the clock to avoid upsetting anyone, as well as to be "nice" and well-liked; as if that would result in acceptance. It didn't. Sure, I have friends who became friends because I was nice and avoided telling them things they didn't want to hear for too long (yet I more recently learned this was not actually being a good friend). But their acceptance of me isn't my definition of acceptance. Brené Brown has suggested that true acceptance is limited to our own self-acceptance and I cannot disagree with her. I cannot feel completely accepted when I have not yet accepted myself; there will always be a void to fill. This may seem basic, however this lesson eluded me for years, until I recently dog-eared a page in Brené Brown's most recent book now that I have prioritized time to read for fun, since successfully defending my dissertation.
I do not want to engage in small talk, texts, emails or anything else with several people I worked hard to convince to like me at this point. Because I feel like they still do not know me and have not yet fully accepted me, as I am only in the process of accepting myself and stripping away "niceties" that have only been manifestations of my grooming and programming growing up, and excuses to avoid being vulnerable. Being "nice" hasn't just been about seeking approval for me. Sure, I have wanted the approval I felt I did not get from my parents, especially from my father. But being "nice," or not speaking up to have my needs met, or to express disagreement at times and this desire for approval have kept people from truly knowing me. And I've felt like people cannot hurt a person they do not know. I was sold for sex by someone I thought was my best friend. She never asked my permission for this or even admitted to turning a blind eye to me being drugged and raped by the people she passed me off to. My father molested me. My godfather molested me. My grandfather stuck his tongue in my mouth and years later, he was the first person I loved who died (as I chose not to remember what he did or to think of it as molestation for many years). I did not want to be known, or "loved" or hurt again. But I am now done with being "nice." It has not served me or anyone else particularly well.
Jesus was honest. He was kind. He was compassionate. He continuously prioritized the poor and the underserved in unprecented ways. But I do not believe He is or was "nice." He spoke up about things He was upset about and about things that were wrong, regardless of how uncomfortable that may make people. He was crucified as a result of speaking up and out. He didn't hide behind "niceties" the ways I have for years, knowingly and unknowingly, and the ways girls are socialized to from very early on, which makes the aims of predators easier to achieve.
I also have a daughter and a son who I do not want to be "nice." I have to be a role model for them and for my students. I can no longer afford to be "nice." Change does not result from being "nice." Growth is halted. Particularly after earning my PhD and FINALLY realizing I am good enough-- and have been without it in spite of years of beating myself up (along with my body, through an eating disorder, drugs and alcohol), the last thing I want to be is "nice." And the last thing I want to do is anything for the sake of someone else's approval or acceptance.
6) People may treat you how you allow them to treat you. This lesson is not novel, but it is one I keep circling back to; if as a people pleaser, I agree to things that may be harmful just to keep the peace, then resent people for this later, who is to blame? This is also a reminder to stand up for myself more often, even if this means removing myself from a dysfunctional situation.
7) You may be part of the problem. Do you dismiss your own accomplishments? Accept responsibility for things that are not your fault? Enable dysfunction by spreading messages for others, knowingly or unknowingly? Perhaps it is time to reassess whether this serves you or anyone. We may have been taught to live in certain ways growing up; this does not mean we have to continue to walk in these ways.
8) It's not all about you. This can be a hard pill to swallow or fully appreciate, but it really isn't. People have lives and schedules to attend to-- be thankful for the time and help they offer rather than frustrated they failed to ________________. Also if someone seems off or doesn't email back right away, it is more likely due to something other than you. You, while awesome I do not doubt, are not on the minds of others as much as you think you are. We all get caught up in our own families, projects and personal concerns. How often are you really thinking of someone who may be insecure about a particular interaction with you? Most people do not ruminate as often as you think they do; our ruminations are also not usually about others, even when it seems this way at face value.
9) That old saying, about how if people talk about others, they will talk about you as well is true. I'm guilty of drinking the Kool-Aid by the water cooler. And since I stopped doing it, I can assure you that if you do, you appear untrustworthy.
10) Consistently complaining makes you less fun to be around. Also true. People care, but also generally avoid Debbie Downers in time-- unless they complain a lot as well. Misery loves company, right? Another old adage that I have found rings true, as well as we become the people we hang around to an extent. Be mindful of this before deciding who to spend your time with-- influences matter. They can shape our experience. As such, I'm in the process of developing an attitude of gratitude. This isn't to say some days are not harder than others; although I acknowledge my feelings, I also find things to be thankful for. This is pivotal (and recommended in the Bible).
I hope this is helpful! Please feel free to reach out and share your own lessons learned throughout your journeys.
