Mansplaining

Mansplaining 

(And yep, I'm liberal but it's never okay to call a woman a 'liberal bitch')

Mansplaining.  If you're a woman and/or a feminist, you've long known it's a thing.  If you have trouble with women, chances are you think it's more fake news, or perhaps a word conjured up by whiny fem-nazis who can't handle the truth.  The men who are in charge of defining 'mansplaining' at Urban Dictionary certainly seem to feel this way, (total shocker, eh?)  And I suppose it would be convenient for women to stop complaining about or even acknowledging the ways they are routinely disrespected due to societal and/or individual sexism (yet another concept conjured up by angry feminists according to men who have trouble with women).  

But sometimes enough is enough.  Especially after one is habitually called to redirect numerous male students, including some who are failing in my classes yet think (and outwardly assert) they know more about a field I have two degrees in (soon to include a PhD); after being ordered to "smile" by strange men who have no idea what kind of life or day I have survived; worrying about repeated sexual violence everyday I live and breathe and/or continued workplace sexual harassment; after countless interruptions from strange men in public; and after even finding one using my car as his desk-- with his papers and elbows spread out as he talked on his cell phone while I waited for him to get off of my car so I could drive home from the library.  We live in a sexist culture-- it cannot be denied.  And what is worse is that it often still is somehow by multiple clueless men.  (And sure, not all men are inadvertently sexist, but many-- and I mean many, if not most, are).

Yes, enough is enough sometimes.  Before we find ways to cope and face it again the following day, some days, we struggle to find patience with the sexism we're up against-- both intentional and unwitting, both low key and blatant.  And for me, today is one of those days.  So I'm using my blog as a means of self-care and online community education.  

In response to a question asked by a man I deeply respect today, I described the stress involved with preparing for the job market in my field-- noting I learned it is becoming a regular (and acceptable) practice to video tape job talks (or interviews with whole departments) and to post the job talk on Youtube.  Discussing with my colleagues reasonably caused many of us who are entering the tenure-track job market soon to be anxious-- can you imagine interviewing in front of 20-50 research experts and knowing you will be filmed, and that the film could end up on Youtube?  In response, a man I admire and respect recommended that if I am told my interviews will be video taped, I "just need to walk out of the room" and in turn, away from the job opportunity.  

This may sound like good advice to some-- before considering that after applying to 50 top tier universities, most people in my field only get about 20 interviews and of those, most candidates are considered fortunate to go on three campus visits (or nearly non-stop two to three day interviews, the most important element of which is a high stakes job talk, which again, may be videotaped).  And it is difficult to secure a job even after making it to the final campus visit round.  My field is also fairly small-- academics within it typically know or have heard of each other.  Walking out of a job talk because I did not want to be videotaped would be career suicide in my field.  That is, after spending ten or more years in college-- to go on this very job talk he was instructing me to ungratefully and unapologetically walk away from.  Perhaps men do this.  I would not know-- I have no experience living as a man (and would never advise them as if I did).

While this man is not in my field of work and has never competed in a similar job market, he is mostly aware of everything I have noted above  Further, I did not ask what I should do; I did not need him to fix or solve my problem.  I am not a damsel in distress.  I was just venting about learning my job talks may be videotaped in response to a question he asked.  Yet he felt the need to not only make an almost laughably unhelpful recommendation but to respond that he didn't care, I should still walk out when I reminded him of how competitive my line of work is.  Yet again, he has no experience in this area.  So with enough being enough, I sarcastically "thanked" him for providing helpful recommendations he was asked (and qualified) to make.  Offended and with what seemed to be a wounded ego, he walked away.

While I'm not proud of the way I chose to respond (and will be kinder in the future), I am not apologetic for the message.  Even in our personal lives, women are frequently mansplained to and when men are called on this, they state or suggest we are the ones who are out of line for not appreciating unsolicited advice and/or explanations on information we know (often times quite a bit) more about.  Yet when other men are subjected to mansplaining, they often respond in a similar manner.  In most cases, they point out they know better.  Still, when women do this, we are out of line.  Some men suggest we are even "bitches" or worse for asserting ourselves-- even after years of enduring mansplaining

A former self-defense instructor once told me that if we are confused as to whether something is sexist, we just need to reverse the scenario and if it seems absurd, it is due to the double standards we are up against.  For example, if a man explained he was a victim of a violent crime and in response, he was routinely asked what he was wearing, what he had to drink and several other questions suggesting he is to blame for the violence he endured, that would not be acceptable in our society.  Yet men notoriously do this (and sadly even other women do this) to women due to standing social norms-- which are sexist.  And today in particular, it bothers me that even a man I deeply respect cannot see the ways he is influenced by longstanding sexism-- and he is a feminist and is much more informed than most.  He also has children he will need to be a good role model for as they grow older.

In any case I appreciate Kim Goodwin's user-friendly mansplaining chart (shown above; which I think several men should have handy for reference).  Sadly when I tried to locate this again to include in this post, I encountered the following gem as well:

This sexist meme made me think of a man I am loosely related to (and attempt to dodge during the holidays), who posted (on Facebook) "That bitch got what she deserved" when Clinton lost the 2016 election.  Sadly, this man is a father of two incredibly perceptive and growing little girls and openly calling a woman a bitch rarely exists as a sole issue with sexism.  Not surprisingly, this man cheated on his now wife, and years later complained about her being on "shark week" to her father and brother (and has since made even more disparaging remarks about her in front of multiple family members).  He also believed he should be immune to changing diapers because he has a penis and thus refused to change the diapers of his three children for several years.  This makes me wonder  what kind of men his girls may date or end up with (should they be into men).  

In addition, I noticed Kim Goodwin was trolled after posting her mansplaining chart by a man who mainsplained mansplaining to her (captured here).  (It sounds ridiculous because it is). I stumbled on this entertaining article posted in Bustle on subtle forms of mansplaining as well (which may also prove useful to folks who doubt its existence or the credibility of women who are reasonably bothered by mansplaining in their daily lives).  

Still when I found a short review of Sarah Cooper's satirical new book on non-threatening approaches to leadership specifically for women by Tara O'Brien as well, I realized I employ many of the passive strategies for communication that are (again satirically) depicted as optimal for women in the workplace, which was not a joking matter in my own life.  I state answers or directives as questions and sandwich nearly all criticism for example. So this year, I am even more dedicated to no longer being a people/ man pleaser in favor of not allowing my voice to be drowned out by men (or any human beings) who assume to be experts on my life and/or topics that fall under my wheelhouse.  

This may get me "in trouble," as it did with a man I respect but I noticed in my student evaluations (aside from more optimal adjectives such as 'dynamic,' 'inspirational,' 'eloquent,' 'compassionate,' 'respected,' 'knowledgeable,' and 'engaging'), I am commonly described as "nice."  And I'm fine with this if by "nice," they mean "kind" (another word students often use to describe me).  But if by "nice," they mean the "good girl" brand of "nice" most of us are taught to be (which often means 'deferential' and suggests silence and not causing waves when we are disrespected or even worse-- physically, sexually or emotionally hurt), then I am not for it.  A new girl is in town-- one my sexist distant family members (and several other men) may even consider a bitch.  And as long as this means I'm taking care of and standing up for myself-- especially in front of my children-- I'm okay with that.