Films for Survivors and Their Loved Ones

I am Still Here (and Other Important Films on Sexual Violence)

Recently, I watched I Am Still Here, a deeply honest, clearly survivor- and research-driven yet sadly underfunded film about domestic minor sex trafficking in the United States.  Someone I both respect and adore, sadly could not stomach it however, as it can be difficult to consider the sexual abuse children regularly suffer, not only in developing countries but also in "first world" nations like the US.  Because I have survived sexual violence from a very young age and was sold for sex by someone I thought was a close friend as a minor, this film felt very personal however, as did their trouble with sitting with it.

I understand it is challenging to learn about the horrors survivors regularly face or have faced, but I believe this is an important aspect of offering support and working toward meaningful change to address sexual violence, particularly (but not exclusively) among minors.  As such, this experience inspired a film (and show) list for other survivors and/or for loved ones as we work to continue moving forward and supporting others.

Beyond I Am Still Here (available on Amazon Prime at the time of this post), (which I recommend for all parents and for loved ones of survivors as well as for individuals who feel passionate about addressing sexual violence and trafficking or are interested in developing competence in this area), I recommend the following films and television shows (listed below).

First, especially for my fellow survivors, if you have not already, I suggest checking out:

Sucker Punch (2011), which I would classify as therapeutic 'survivor porn,' as an incredibly resilient, creative, bad ass mama jama, and (for many of us) her familiar methods of coping, are showcased throughout this film (also Emily Browning is amazing);

Kill Bill, especially Vol. 1 (2003), see above.  I heart Beatrix Kiddo, by the way. xoxox;

Jessica Jones Season 1 (2015), again, see above.  If you remotely enjoy superheroes, you will enjoy watching this badass herione wipe the floor with a man who sexually abused her for years;

Tank Girl (1995), super campy and low budgeted, sure, but if you happen to appreciate this as much as I do, again, see above.  Besides, who doesn't love Lori Petty?

Pulp Fiction (1994), and again, see above, noting the sexual violence victim this film is centered around is a male.

Maya Angelou and Still I Rise (2016), for those of you who appreciate real stories about survivors who made it out ontop, despite all they were up against.  Note that Dr. Angelou was mute for several years of her life due to the sexual abuse she endured and she found various forms of art, including poetry, as an outlet to cope.

The Hooping Life (2014), which features a survivor who copes by learning to hula hoop, including in a home she was once sexually abused within, as she moves forward.  I may have purchased a professional hula hoop after watching this short documentary.  This survivor is also a proponent of hula hooping by the way, which I think is awesome.

Next, below is a list of movies and shows for survivors and loved ones that while incredibly valuable, may be particularly triggering.  I still recommend them, as they remind us we are not alone and offer a means to help loved ones understand what we have lived through and may continue to face, but *survivors* may want to avoid them or to watch them knowing they may be triggered to help underscore this issue with partners and others:

Precious (2009), while I found this film especially triggering, probably because I was sexually abused by my father (who was never held criminally accountable or accountable by the majority of our family for it), this story is as inspirational as it is heart breaking;


Greenleaf (the entire series) (2016-2020), which does an excellent job of highlighting some of the reactions survivors face from families and especially from their own mothers when they survive sexual violence at the hands of family members-- note that the devastating impacts these reactions can have on victims are also highlighted;

For Colored Girls (2010), which uncovers how sexual violence impacts women in the black community.  There is a triggering scene within it as well, however most of the focus is on the response of the victim.

Meanwhile, I want to note that several (in fact sadly most) films and television series get it wrong when they feature sexual violence, as sexual abuse is often showcased to arouse the audience and/or dismisses the victim's experience.  This perpetuates rape culture by pandering to the male gaze, and with it, the idea that women are sexual objects:

Game of Thrones (2011-2019), I understand I may get flamed, but boy, did they get it wrong-- I couldn't sit through all of the hyper sexualized rape scenes that were clearly showcased to arouse audience members.  It really bothers me when rape scenes are eroticized.

The General's Daughter (1999), as while focus is placed on the potential impacts of sexual violence, particularly in the military, the rape scene they show and describe is to an extent sexualized, which is not okay.  Rape isn't sexy nor is it largely a result of sexual desire.  It is a form of violence fueled by a hatred of women (or others), which has been described by multiple survivors (including myself, even prior to learning I was not alone in this) as emotional murder.  Any time a rape scene is made sexy, it is getting the issue wrong and perpetuating rape culture.  Show the aftermath; people get it.  If the scene must be shown, focus on the pain, fear or eventual detachment and dissociation on the victim's face, but never on her breasts or body.  The point is to show how grotesque rape is, not to appeal to a male gaze or arouse audience members and thus advertise and further perpetrate rape culture.

Further, while it was still very much legal at the time, the way marital rape was glossed over as if it was warranted in Gone with the Wind (1939) (and even worse, that earned Rhett respect the next morning) is also wildly inappropriate.  Yet this film remains a popular "classic," with Rhett being depicted as a lovable sweetheart.

This list can go on, so we'll stop here (but feel free to comment with your own preferences and/or list of films to avoid and/or advocate against).

In the meantime, I'll end with sharing my current watch list: 

House of Cards (2013-2018), as in this list (interestingly provided on Teen Vogue's site), it is noted that a female protagonist is a survivor and that her dissociation is explored-- something I appreciate which may also help loved ones to better understand common responses to sexual violence and trauma;

The Light of the Moon (2017), which appears to focus mostly on the unacceptable reactions of others-- this may be helpful in educating folks on appropriate versus inappropriate responses to the sexual assault of someone we love-- or what support is and clearly isn't;

The Invisible War (2012), based on this list of recommended films, which may or may not end up being useful as I aim to inform many of the college students I teach why sexual violence in the military remains such a serious issue, and vet the films I show in class-- I am hoping this one doesn't substantially trigger me but have been fearful that it may);

I am Evidence (2019), based on this same list, exploring the need to immediately test the rape kits that victims are subjected to in efforts to seek justice;

The Hunting Ground (2015), recommended in the same list.  Still, it is important to note here that while I am passionate about addressing sexual violence on college campuses, I am admittedly frustrated that much of the available research and media attention surrounding sexual violence is focused on college campuses and on Hollywood actresses, while many stories remain unexplored, untold (as more is needed to break the silence) and ultimately unaddressed.  Such stories include those of many individuals who do not make it to college (or at least not until they are much older than traditional students if they do), involving individuals of color, individuals within the LGBTQ community and individuals who are outside of the traditional college age range, such as children and yes, older adults.  I will take a look at this particular documentary because it has been recommended elsewhere and sexual violence is continuing on college campus at alarming rates but I want to note I am equally alarmed by how hidden, ignored and/or unreported other sexual violence contexts have been.  Was I raped as a college student?  Yes.  But I was violated long before that as well and before that, I was groomed for sexual violence by men in my family (including my father and godfather), who were supposed to protect me, as a little girl.  Stories like these make people even more uncomfortable however, so many survivors continue to live in silence.

Don't get me wrong-- educated young (largely white, cis, straight) women from upper and middle class homes are important, but so are several other victims.  So far more groundbreaking documentaries and films are needed (as is the support and promotion of them).

With that, I also plan to watch

All I'm Worth (2018), described here, which focuses on childhood sexual abuse;

Tapestries of Hope (2009), recommended here, on how one woman has been addressing sexual violence in Zimbabwe, as I can certainly use some inspiration (and hope) as well;

Rashomon (1950), recommended here, as this film looks interesting, is set in Japan and explores stereotypes of victim versus prostitute (as if they are mutually exclusive).  I am intrigued and hope they get it right in this one.

And although I've been avoiding it for years because I know how it ends and I know it will make me cry, Boys Don't Cry (1999), because trans folks are at a disproportionate risk of being sexually assaulted, yet their stories are often pushed aside to the margins, which is beyond unjust.

In consideration of this, to become a better advocate and source of support for my trans friends, I also plan to watch Trans in America, a three part short film series which touches on this issue within the US as well.

By the way, for those of you who are saddened and/or triggered upon reading this list, know that help is available.  You are not alone.  The following resources may be especially useful as well:

Darkness to Light (Crisis intervention and referral for kids or individuals who are impacted by child sex abuse-- hotline calls are directly linked with a local center). Helpline: 866.FOR.LIGHT (367.5444)

StopitNow (information for child and teen survivors as well as their loved ones, including family; offender treatment information and signs to watch out for are offered as well) Hotline: 888-PREVENT (773.8368)

Cyber Tipline (a tipline offered by the National Center for Missing and Exploited Children; use it to communicate information to authorities on child pornography or child sex trafficking). Hotline: 800.THE.LOST (843.5678)

The Anti-Violence Project (for my LGBTQ friends)
Hotline 212-714-1124; Bilingual 24/7

FORGE (for transgender and gender nonconforming survivors), noting that local referrals are offered

Polaris Project (for victims of sexual exploitation, survivors and advocates)

Safe Helpline (offered by the Department of Defense, DoD to address sexual violence in the military, noting help is confidential, anonymous, secure, and provided worldwide); Hotline: 877.995.5247

Deaf Abused Women’s Network (DAWN) (for survivors with disabilities);Video Phone: 202.559.5366

End Rape on Campus (for help with addressing rape on college campuses)

1in6 and MaleSurvivor.org (for male victims and survivors as well as for those seeking information in this area)

*Note that this and more appropriate resources are generously provided by the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) by the way, which can be accessed here and through 1-800-656-HOPE (4673).  Consider directly supporting them or eliciting support through social media as well, as this is a truly awesome organization and resource for survivors and their loved ones.

Sending love, support and wishes for peace and recovery until then. 

xoxox Mia 

(and while Mia Storia is an obvious pseudonym to highlight that I could be any woman as well as to protect myself, as I may not be supported by my future employers in my line of work, Mia is short for Micha, a common moniker derived from my own name 👩💪💚💙💜🙌)

Mansplaining

Mansplaining 

(And yep, I'm liberal but it's never okay to call a woman a 'liberal bitch')

Mansplaining.  If you're a woman and/or a feminist, you've long known it's a thing.  If you have trouble with women, chances are you think it's more fake news, or perhaps a word conjured up by whiny fem-nazis who can't handle the truth.  The men who are in charge of defining 'mansplaining' at Urban Dictionary certainly seem to feel this way, (total shocker, eh?)  And I suppose it would be convenient for women to stop complaining about or even acknowledging the ways they are routinely disrespected due to societal and/or individual sexism (yet another concept conjured up by angry feminists according to men who have trouble with women).  

But sometimes enough is enough.  Especially after one is habitually called to redirect numerous male students, including some who are failing in my classes yet think (and outwardly assert) they know more about a field I have two degrees in (soon to include a PhD); after being ordered to "smile" by strange men who have no idea what kind of life or day I have survived; worrying about repeated sexual violence everyday I live and breathe and/or continued workplace sexual harassment; after countless interruptions from strange men in public; and after even finding one using my car as his desk-- with his papers and elbows spread out as he talked on his cell phone while I waited for him to get off of my car so I could drive home from the library.  We live in a sexist culture-- it cannot be denied.  And what is worse is that it often still is somehow by multiple clueless men.  (And sure, not all men are inadvertently sexist, but many-- and I mean many, if not most, are).

Yes, enough is enough sometimes.  Before we find ways to cope and face it again the following day, some days, we struggle to find patience with the sexism we're up against-- both intentional and unwitting, both low key and blatant.  And for me, today is one of those days.  So I'm using my blog as a means of self-care and online community education.  

In response to a question asked by a man I deeply respect today, I described the stress involved with preparing for the job market in my field-- noting I learned it is becoming a regular (and acceptable) practice to video tape job talks (or interviews with whole departments) and to post the job talk on Youtube.  Discussing with my colleagues reasonably caused many of us who are entering the tenure-track job market soon to be anxious-- can you imagine interviewing in front of 20-50 research experts and knowing you will be filmed, and that the film could end up on Youtube?  In response, a man I admire and respect recommended that if I am told my interviews will be video taped, I "just need to walk out of the room" and in turn, away from the job opportunity.  

This may sound like good advice to some-- before considering that after applying to 50 top tier universities, most people in my field only get about 20 interviews and of those, most candidates are considered fortunate to go on three campus visits (or nearly non-stop two to three day interviews, the most important element of which is a high stakes job talk, which again, may be videotaped).  And it is difficult to secure a job even after making it to the final campus visit round.  My field is also fairly small-- academics within it typically know or have heard of each other.  Walking out of a job talk because I did not want to be videotaped would be career suicide in my field.  That is, after spending ten or more years in college-- to go on this very job talk he was instructing me to ungratefully and unapologetically walk away from.  Perhaps men do this.  I would not know-- I have no experience living as a man (and would never advise them as if I did).

While this man is not in my field of work and has never competed in a similar job market, he is mostly aware of everything I have noted above  Further, I did not ask what I should do; I did not need him to fix or solve my problem.  I am not a damsel in distress.  I was just venting about learning my job talks may be videotaped in response to a question he asked.  Yet he felt the need to not only make an almost laughably unhelpful recommendation but to respond that he didn't care, I should still walk out when I reminded him of how competitive my line of work is.  Yet again, he has no experience in this area.  So with enough being enough, I sarcastically "thanked" him for providing helpful recommendations he was asked (and qualified) to make.  Offended and with what seemed to be a wounded ego, he walked away.

While I'm not proud of the way I chose to respond (and will be kinder in the future), I am not apologetic for the message.  Even in our personal lives, women are frequently mansplained to and when men are called on this, they state or suggest we are the ones who are out of line for not appreciating unsolicited advice and/or explanations on information we know (often times quite a bit) more about.  Yet when other men are subjected to mansplaining, they often respond in a similar manner.  In most cases, they point out they know better.  Still, when women do this, we are out of line.  Some men suggest we are even "bitches" or worse for asserting ourselves-- even after years of enduring mansplaining

A former self-defense instructor once told me that if we are confused as to whether something is sexist, we just need to reverse the scenario and if it seems absurd, it is due to the double standards we are up against.  For example, if a man explained he was a victim of a violent crime and in response, he was routinely asked what he was wearing, what he had to drink and several other questions suggesting he is to blame for the violence he endured, that would not be acceptable in our society.  Yet men notoriously do this (and sadly even other women do this) to women due to standing social norms-- which are sexist.  And today in particular, it bothers me that even a man I deeply respect cannot see the ways he is influenced by longstanding sexism-- and he is a feminist and is much more informed than most.  He also has children he will need to be a good role model for as they grow older.

In any case I appreciate Kim Goodwin's user-friendly mansplaining chart (shown above; which I think several men should have handy for reference).  Sadly when I tried to locate this again to include in this post, I encountered the following gem as well:

This sexist meme made me think of a man I am loosely related to (and attempt to dodge during the holidays), who posted (on Facebook) "That bitch got what she deserved" when Clinton lost the 2016 election.  Sadly, this man is a father of two incredibly perceptive and growing little girls and openly calling a woman a bitch rarely exists as a sole issue with sexism.  Not surprisingly, this man cheated on his now wife, and years later complained about her being on "shark week" to her father and brother (and has since made even more disparaging remarks about her in front of multiple family members).  He also believed he should be immune to changing diapers because he has a penis and thus refused to change the diapers of his three children for several years.  This makes me wonder  what kind of men his girls may date or end up with (should they be into men).  

In addition, I noticed Kim Goodwin was trolled after posting her mansplaining chart by a man who mainsplained mansplaining to her (captured here).  (It sounds ridiculous because it is). I stumbled on this entertaining article posted in Bustle on subtle forms of mansplaining as well (which may also prove useful to folks who doubt its existence or the credibility of women who are reasonably bothered by mansplaining in their daily lives).  

Still when I found a short review of Sarah Cooper's satirical new book on non-threatening approaches to leadership specifically for women by Tara O'Brien as well, I realized I employ many of the passive strategies for communication that are (again satirically) depicted as optimal for women in the workplace, which was not a joking matter in my own life.  I state answers or directives as questions and sandwich nearly all criticism for example. So this year, I am even more dedicated to no longer being a people/ man pleaser in favor of not allowing my voice to be drowned out by men (or any human beings) who assume to be experts on my life and/or topics that fall under my wheelhouse.  

This may get me "in trouble," as it did with a man I respect but I noticed in my student evaluations (aside from more optimal adjectives such as 'dynamic,' 'inspirational,' 'eloquent,' 'compassionate,' 'respected,' 'knowledgeable,' and 'engaging'), I am commonly described as "nice."  And I'm fine with this if by "nice," they mean "kind" (another word students often use to describe me).  But if by "nice," they mean the "good girl" brand of "nice" most of us are taught to be (which often means 'deferential' and suggests silence and not causing waves when we are disrespected or even worse-- physically, sexually or emotionally hurt), then I am not for it.  A new girl is in town-- one my sexist distant family members (and several other men) may even consider a bitch.  And as long as this means I'm taking care of and standing up for myself-- especially in front of my children-- I'm okay with that.